One thing I really really like about blogging

I realize it's been a while. This one will be short, as it is late, and I decided to start writing it while I was halfway through another post that I will finish at a later date.

I've kept a journal for a while. It comes and goes, and I definitely have skipped long portions of my life, but for the most part I have a rough summary of who I was and what I was thinking about from about freshman year of high school onwards.

One of the frustrating parts about looking back at this is seeing how many fucking circles I have gone into. For example, every 4 months, I'd go through the exact same injury process. I'd do something stupid, like work too hard or lift too much, and tweak something. I'd take the day off, come back two days later with my body feeling 90%, tell my coach "Yep, no pain", make it worse, and then miss two weeks.

Another example is commitment. I get scared of not doing the right thing, so I don't do anything. And every time, afterwards, in order to justify failure, I tell myself that I've learned my lesson. That I need to just do things. And, I think I do. Because next time I fuck it up, I've forgotten I ever even learned that lesson in the first place.

Ok, but blogging. The reason I love writing is that it forces my thoughts into a linear structure. I find it incredibly difficult to actually string thoughts together inside my head, without the help of a pencil or keyboard. I've known this for a long time, and enjoyed journaling for this reason.

But I think that publishing things has the same effect, only on a larger, meta scale. You see, every time I have an existential crises, I come out feeling rather silly. Like, what was I caught up on again? And how much did it actually change my life decisions? And how many psets do I have to makeup now?

So, I tell myself I learned something from it. That I explored that pathway all the way to the end, and now, I'm a better person because of it. That next time, I'll recognize the path when I'm only a few feet in, and know to turn back. Because I already know what's down there.

But a recent fear I've had is, what if I'm not?

And that's what blogging is for. Because the second I turn something into a blogpost, it exists in the real world. And when I scroll through my posts, I remind myself of the place I used to be in.

And I can confirm that I'm moving forwards.